To Me, You Are Perfect

When I was younger, I used to dream about my Prince Charming, my Mr. Darcy, my one true love. I knew there had to be the perfect man out there that would, swoon, love me just as I am. Romanticized visions of marriage and partnership danced in my head. Even doing the dishes together would be foreplay, I dreamt. Sweet wedded bliss meant a best friend and a lover all at once, no need for anyone else.

And it happened. I have an incredible husband. He loves me for me. Yes, yes, yes. It's everything I thought it could be. (Except for the dishes thing, obviously.) But now, as I get older, I'm understanding something that I didn't before. There is absolutely a need for others. All that time I spent seeking Mr. Right may well have been better spent fostering the relationships that I, stupidly, took for granted. Because who else offers us unconditional acceptance & companionship? Who else loves us just as we are?

Exactly. Our girlfriends. Our friend family. Our urban tribe.

Yes, of course, it makes sense that our focus is usually inward, on our own families, on the partnership that we've created within our own homes. But I will argue that nurturing those female friendships that we've come to depend on is also important. (And this isn't just a way for me to get my husband to agree that I need more Girls Nights Out. I mean, not completely.) They keep us sane, they keep us grounded, they keep us going.

And so today, let's raise a glass to all of the ladies in our lives that make it that much more sparkly. Here's to your hilarity and your drive and your swagger and your beauty and your brilliance. To the way you light up a room as you enter. To your unconditional support even when you disagree with us. Here's to your ability to admit fear & insecurity. Here's to your always knowing the right thing to say. To your bad dancing and mistake-making. To your amazing achievements and unbelievable fortitude. To your companionship and always spot-on advice. To your differing opinions and showing us that there is more than one right way. To your quiet strength and the way you speak up for what you know is right. Here's to always being there for each other. Here's to enduring both sun and rain.

Here's to you, you beautiful sparkling amazing you.

"This Didn't Play Like It Did In My Mind...."

This is how I picture it.
It feels like a short skirt/long jacket, 4 inch heel kind of day.  I do not wobble as I walk into the conference room. I am confident, holding my head high.  I command attention and respect from the start.  My presentation is perfect.  I am articulate.  I am the picture of professionalism.  I answer every question without missing a beat.  I convey my ideas and thoughts accurately. I react calmly to every differing opinion, collaborating effectively and productively.  I deserve a glass of champagne. 

This is how it happens.
It feels like a short skirt/long jacket, 4 inch heel kind of day.  Except it's raining and muddy so jeans and a hoodie are really more practical.  I trip over my rain boots as I walk into conference room, throwing off my confidence as well as my glasses.  My awkwardness commands attention.  My presentation is serviceable.  My face, of course, turns bright red as I begin speaking.  I stumble a bit.  I am the picture of nerves.  I answer every question in a long-winded way, confusing those who asked them further. I attempt to react calmly to differing opinions, but the redness of my face, neck and chest tell a different story.  I need a glass of water. 

This is how I picture it.
I walk into the event like I own it, wearing a little black dress and ass-lifting high heels.  Obviously, my legs look incredible.  I have a glass of wine in my hand, and I'm laughing along with others to the most hilarious story I just told.  He sees me before I see him.  I knew he'd be here, of course, and I'm ready to pick up our light banter, just slightly inappropriate flirting from our last meeting.  He sees me before I see him, and I turn & notice him.  A slow, super sexy smile moves over my red lips, and we begin a conversation that seems to last for days.  Captivating and charming, I am completely in control. 

This is how it happens.
I walk into the event cautiously because my dress is too short and my heels are too high.  Obviously, my legs look a little bit pasty.  I see him before he sees me, and I haven't even had time to have a sip of wine yet.  My face immediately turns red.  Totally & completely red.  He greets me, and I say hello, but I can't quite make eye contact.  I turn to talk to others instead, but the story I begin completely misses.  I laugh nervously and avoid looking at him because there's nothing else to do.  He asks me a question, and I slowly turn my red face toward him.  We begin a conversation that seems to last for 3 minutes.  Nervous and awkward, I am blowing my cover.

This is how I picture it.
I am running and running and running, light on my feet, barely breaking a sweat.  I've got the eye of the tiger and I'm running the world and I'm your teenage dream.  5, 6, 7, 8 miles, this is easy for me. Na na na na na, you can't catch me, fear!

This is how it happens.
I am running and walking and jogging and walking, red-faced and sweaty.  I'm bootylicious and I'm all about that bass and I'm making the rockin' world go round.  1, 2, 3, 4 miles, this isn't easy, nothing will ever be easy again.  Fear and self-doubt, catch me if you can!  Oh, shit.

And yet, and yet, and yet, I'm surprised every time.

No, Really, It's Okay

The statements I am about to make might be startling to some of you.  They might make you uncomfortable. You might not be able to relate.  But I am going to say them anyway.

Sometimes my child is an asshole. 
Sometimes my husband and I long for the days when it was just us.
Sometimes I long for the days when it was just me.
Sometimes I want to go back and make different decisions.
Sometimes I wish we had just used a condom.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if Tim and I had just broken up after that big fight right after I moved to Seattle.
Sometimes I want to be somebody other than me.

I know some of you feel the same way as I do, and maybe you've been mommy-shamed or friend-shamed or spouse-shamed for feeling this way - I know I have - but I am here to tell you that it's okay.  It's okay to feel this way.  It has to be okay for us to feel this way.

It's okay to miss your freedom.  It's okay to miss flirting.  It's okay to miss your independence.  It's okay to miss international travel.  It's okay to miss sleeping in.  It's okay to miss being selfish.  It's okay to absolutely delight in your time away from your family.  It's okay to take a Girls/Guys Weekend to Vegas.  It's okay to schedule an Adventure Night (our code name for the otherwise hideously known "Date Night") every week and wish for more.  It's okay to miss the "old days".  It's okay to long for an entire weekend to yourself.  It's okay for you to want it to be about you every once in awhile.  It has to be okay to feel these things.  It has to be okay for us to talk about feeling these things without fear. 

It doesn't mean we don't love our families.  It doesn't mean that we are bad parents or bad partners.  It doesn't mean that we aren't happy with the lives we lead.  It just means that sometimes we're looking over the fence at grass that appears greener. 

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but it has to be okay to check it out every once in awhile.  How else will we know that our own grass, though overgrown & mossy in patches, is still pretty fucking green after all?

"I cannot sleep unless I am surrounded by books."

I introduced my son to the library last week.  He walked around in a state of awe, making his way down the stacks, running his finger over the spines.  We each chose three books, and, as we were leaving, he said, "Can we go to the library tomorrow too?"

This is the way I want my son to know books.  The way I know books.  In book form.  No need to turn anything on in order to immerse yourself in a story.  No fear of a low battery at an inopportune moment.  A break from reality.  A break from screens. 

I want to read my books in book form.  I want to love them up and crease their spines and fold the corners of their pages.  You will know which ones are my favorites by sight; they have been loved to shreds.  I want that new book smell from a hot-off-the-presses novel by a first time author.  I want a quickened pulse as I hear the UPS guy drop a package from Amazon on to my porch.  I want the deliciousness of having three new books to choose from on a lazy Sunday afternoon.  I want that musty, moldy aroma from a classic that hasn't been checked out of the library in years.  I want to tuck that same classic under my arm as I look for a seat at coffee shop.  I want to feel the weight of Alice Munro or Wally Lamb or Margaret Atwood in my carry-on as I board a plane.  I want to see row after row lined up on our many bookshelves and stacked in piles next to our bed.  I want to have the luxury of reading three books at a time just because I can't decide which one I want to read first.  I want to read and reread my favorites so many times their characters become family members.  I want to write dedications on the first page of books given as gifts to solidify memories that may otherwise fade away.  I want to read - and share - my books in book form.

My son will inherit beat-up copies of The Runaway Bunny and Goodnight Moon, and, later, The Hardy Boys and Harry Potter.  We will run our fingers over the yellowed pages of the final The Ends. And then we'll read them again.

"We're All Mad Here."

What do I wish for you this year, my friends? Quite simply, I wish you madness...

This year, let's embrace our lives of madness.  Let's not silence the crazy voices in our heads that encourage us to take chances & risks.  Let's be so mad that fear takes one look at us and backs off in confusion.  Let's love wholly and with abandon, without concern for the possibility of heartbreak.  Let's stay up too late talking nonsense while simultaneously discovering the secrets of life.  Let's ignore our prescribed bedtimes and let our tired eyes reflect the joy of knowing that we chose experience over sleeping.  Let's speak up, madly & bravely, for what we believe in.  Let's share our ideas & our opinions without trepidation, delighting in the fact that others might say, "You're crazy, that will never work".  Then let's make it work.  Let's say yes to everything that seems impossible, everything that seems insane, everything that feels terrifying.  Let's say no when our gut instructs us to do so - even when it's going against popular opinion.  Let's stop playing it safe.  Let's show the world the real us.  Let's remove the filters.  Let's be willing to be the underdog.  Let's accept, no, let's relish, every absurdity that life throws at us. 

This year, let's go all in.

And then, at the end of 2015, when we're asked, "How was your year?", we can all sigh & say with a wicked smile, "It was crazy."

"Some people never go crazy.  What truly horrible lives they must lead." -Charles Bukowski

A Look Back

Because Facebook never seems to tell the whole story, I think it's time to remove the filters & break down my true 2014.  Here's an actual Year in Review of a Full Time Marketer, a Full Time Mommy & a Full Time Party Girl.  Thanks for being a part of it.

1. Successfully made it to Boo's third birthday which he insisted on celebrating without pants
   
2. Listened to "Shake It Off" and "Problem" way too many times
3. Struggled with balance, often finding myself on a teeter-totter of extremes
4. Relished, delighted in, and truly loved being a Mother to Boo & took great pleasure in our time together, watching him grow & change, and experiencing joy & newness through his eyes
5. Relished, delighted in, and truly loved my time alone, with Tim or with my girlfriends
6. Changed the name from "Date Nights" to "Adventure Nights" & made them a priority again
7. Embraced my total Book Nerdiness & read a ton of new genres & authors
8. Called myself a writer, but only wrote 10 blog posts (wait, 11 including this one!)
9. Continued my love affair with wine while actually learning a lot about it during trips to Paso Robles, Napa and Sonoma, twice
10. Learned the definitions of "microagressions" and "mansplaining" & experienced both, along with straight-up sexism, in both professional & personal settings
11. Resolved that I would never, ever again allow myself to be condescended to or bullied again
12. Began running again, found a renewed positive attitude toward it, achieved Personal Bests during a 5K in June & another in November, and committed to running my first half-marathon in June 2015(!)
13. Celebrated as Boo started & thrived in preschool!  Cried at the quick decline of our family's health accompanying this milestone
14. Loved my job, feared losing my job, questioned how good I was at my job, put everything I had into my job, thought about finding a new job, cried over changes to come in my job, explored how I could turn my love of my job into a business, and, finally, embraced the uncertainty of my job
15. Cried as my Aunt, my God Mother, someone I've been very close with over all of these years, battles a disease that has turned her into a shell of herself.  Prayed - something I almost never do - for her and our family and all of the families struggling with disease & dementia
16. Watched as my friendships changed, mourning those that are now lost & finding joy in new friends, renewed friends, and, of course, old friends
17. Laughed.  A lot.  Cried a lot too.  (I guess there was balance in some areas then.)
18. Dug deep into the idea of "Having It All", struggled with the guilt of being a working mother, and learned from the experiences of other women.  Looked forward to continuing to pursue & share more on this topic in the new year 
19. Navigated the minefield that is a 9-year relationship; always trying to be careful, treading lightly & treating it with respect while always just a little worried what might blow up
20. Chalked up yet another year without international travel (not counting Canada, eh), and the hole in my gypsy soul got bigger by the day
21. Had lots and lots and lots of Dance Parties (see #2)
22. Accepted some of the things in my life I cannot change, forgave myself for some larger mistakes and simultaneously struggled with regret
23. Marked the 20th anniversary of my high school graduation, reminding me of the 18 year old poet & dreamer that's still inside me & remembering to listen to her a little more often
24. Thought to myself over and over again, "I can't do this.  This is too hard.  I am not equipped for this.  I can't, I can't, I can't."  But then I went ahead and did it anyway. 
25. Expressed gratitude for this amazing life I am lucky enough to lead.  But not nearly often as I should have done.

What a year it's been. xo

The Scariest Halloween Tale You'll Ever Read

Quiet now, Gentle Reader, and I'll tell you the tale of the scariest Halloween ever.  Consider yourself warned.   

It was Halloween 2010, and it was dark & stormy night in Seattle.  While usually this is a quiet night amongst ghouls and goblins (they consider it "amateur hour"), this year was a little different.  This year, the wickedness in all of them couldn't be contained.  And so, the witches & the warlocks, the ghoulies and the ghosts, and one Pilot and his Stewardess, in search of tricks and treats and mini-bottles of alcohol, stormed the streets of Ballard wreaking havoc on the bars and restaurants, but mostly on themselves. Please ensure that your seatbelts are fastened for takeoff.  Smoking is allowed on this flight.

Like so many fallen horror film friends before them, this Pilot and his Stewardess went ahead and broke every rule out there.  Everything from the Bad Idea In Order To Survive Playbook was put into action.  Every mistake was made.  Everyone knew danger was lurking, but no one listened. Instead, they drank, smoked, had unprotected sex Just This One Time, and drank and smoked some more.  They basically called out to the unknown monsters awaiting them, "Here we are! Come and get us!  We can't do anything to stop you!"

(Cue distant scream from an undisclosed location.)  They looked around, wondering who was crying out.  Seeing nothing, they went back to their wicked ways, unaware of the danger that was just on the horizon.

And then....9 months later....they finally realized where that scream was coming from.  And there were no Emergency Exits in sight. 

BOO!

Be safe out there, kids.  There is no turning back. 

Happy Halloween!