Won't Be Punished

As I'm sure you all know, on Tuesday, Donald Trump said, in no uncertain terms, that women who have abortions should be subjected to "some form of punishment". He has since retracted the comment, backpedaling as he's known to do, but what's said is said.

And this is what I have to say.

I have already been punished over and over again for a choice that I made when I was a 19 year college student, unable to care for neither myself nor a cactus at that point.

I am punished every single time the legality of abortion comes into question, every time old white men discuss whether my decisions relating to my own body are valid.

I was punished when 3 different clinics stipulated that I had to go through "counseling" to ensure that I was "making the right decision" even though there was no doubt in my mind that I was doing what was right for me.

I am punished when I drive past Planned Parenthood on a beautiful Saturday afternoon & see protesters shaming women just like me.

I was punished when those same protesters, 20 years ago, yelled and screamed obscenities at me as I made my choice, even as I cried.

I am punished by others who think that I am not worthy of respect, that I am a criminal, that I am somehow a lesser human being than they are.

I am punished by my own silence these past three days, wanting to speak up, but afraid to share my story.

Twenty years ago, I made a choice that was legal. I made a choice that allowed me to pursue the life I have today. I made a choice that was right for me. I made a choice that I do not regret.

This is where it ends. I refuse to be ashamed any longer. I won't be punished anymore. By anyone.

My Year in Review - 2015

Because Facebook just doesn't seem to tell the whole story, it's time for my annual no-filters, totally self-centered reflection on the year past. In no particular order, here's a look back at the somewhat bittersweet year of a full time social media manager, a full time mommy, and a full time part time party girl.

1. Successfully made it to Boo's 4th birthday, Tim's 45th birthday, and my 39th birthday, all of which were celebrated with over the top Birthday Fun Weeks.
2. Completed - with zero cheats - the Whole 30 in January, a 30 day detox that cut out sugar, dairy, grains, alcohol & legumes. I felt amazing .
3. Consumed all of the sugar, dairy, grains, alcohol and legumes in the greater Seattle area in December. I felt feel un-amazing.
4. Participated in and blogged about the Complaint Project & realized how much of an impact our words & outlook really have on ourselves...and each other.
5. Struggled with a pretty serious case of summertime ennui resulting in bad choices & self-destructive behavior which, let's be honest, trickled into the fall too.
6. Made the long, adults-only, weekend cool again and travelled to New Orleans, Vegas, Vancouver, and Sonoma & loved every second of my kid-free holidays.
7. Took our first family vacation in 2 years to Kauai and relished every second of a peaceful, relaxing and totally family-friendly holiday.
8. Felt enormously grateful to have the flexibility & the means to prioritize travel.
9. Got with the program and stopped double-spacing after periods. (I'm a writer, people, this something worthwhile to note.)
10. Swelled with pride, emotion and hysterical laughter as I watched my kid grow & become his own hilarious, intelligent, quirky, independent little weirdo.
11. Seethed with irritation, impatience and frustration at my stubborn, bratty, ungrateful little monster.
12. Ran. And ran. And ran. And then I ran my first half marathon, beating my goal by 17 minutes
    
    and my stretch goal by 2 minutes. And finally felt like I could call myself an athlete.
13. Haven't run more than 5 miles at at time since then.
14. Was consistently consumed by thoughts of work. First, unhappiness and unfullfillment. Then, struggles with Imposter Syndrome and self-doubt. Slowly, not only acceptance of myself and my role, but a total embrace of where I am in my career. And finally, pride in my accomplishments & total excitement of what's to come.
15. Did not appreicate my husband enough for the amazing man that he is & everything he does for me and our family.
16. Drank a lot of wine with my girls. Felt both hungover and yet rejuvenated. 
17. Continued my neverending struggle with balance, still teetertottering from one extreme to the other. 
18. Cried and cried and cried and felt something inside me change when my Aunt Gina, my godmother, died of Lewy Body disease in September. Cried while delivering my reading at the funeral. Cried for a lot of October. And November. And December too. 
19. Became totally irritated and frustrated by anything that seems or feels inauthentic, often having trouble hiding my annoyance.
20. Talked about penises, poop and tooting more than I ever could have thought possible.
21. Laughed so much. Hopefully as much as I cried.
22. Felt inspired and empowered during the Grace Hopper Women in Computer Conference in Houston. Realized that I am, in fact, a woman in technology, and that is pretty badass.
23. Marked the 10 year anniversary of Tim's and my relationship & celebrated the fact that, overall, despite the tough times and our challenges, we are still in love. 
24. Took risks, allowed myself to be uncomfortable, stayed up too late, said yes, did things that scared me, spoke my mind, looked like an idiot, and embraced the absurdity of life. 
25. Discovered that even with my ennui, my struggles and my sadness, overall, the life I lead is pretty incredble.  

All I can say is....what's next? 

Myself Unbound

Summertime makes me wild. 

The days are so long, there's so much more time available to me now. The heat is oppressive, it pushes me out of the confines of my home & into a place that's untamed & lush. With sweat shining on my bare shoulders and legs, I'm greedy for experience, thirsting for a drop or two of adventure. I join my pack, running wild with bare feet and acting like I was never domesticated in the first place. 

I want to feel everything, do everything, make every mistake, say every ridiculous thing that comes to mind, drink every drop, set every fire, be everything, run every mile, bask in every ray of sunshine, say yes every time, choose experience over sleep every night, feel everything, do everything. 

For three months, I want to experience myself unbound. Self-restraint seems impossible; I am feral. Be careful, don't get too close, don't make any sudden moves; I bite. 

And then suddenly, the heat will be replaced by a comforting chill in the air. The days will shorten. The sunshine will cease its unrelenting pursuit. I am still running, but I am slowing down. I am still wild. but soon I will be caught. Closer & closer, I can feel it coming up behind me, order is returning. Summertime will come to an end. My thirst will be curbed, and I will be satisifed with routine and the quiet comfort of domesticity. Bare skin will be covered and replaced by thick and cozy armor. Soon, very soon, my lupine soul will be lulled back into hiberation. Soon. 

Autumn's closing in.  

Are You Ready For Your Close Up?

Yes, Gentle Reader, it's been awhile since we've connected. Summertime rosé drinking while chasing naked preschoolers in my backyard just seems to be consuming more time than planned. However, it's Friday, and it's been a long week, and it's high time that we discuss the burning question that seems to be on everyone's mind.

How do I take an actually sexy, sultry, possibly saucy, selfie?

If you are like my group of friends (and as my only readers actually are my group of friends, you're in luck), the topic of sexting is something that comes up quite often. We want to know who's doing it. (All of us.) What are the best tips & tricks? (Be patient already, that's what this post is for.) What reaction are they getting? (Ranges from "Oh hell yeah" to "I'll be home in 15 minutes. Get ready.") Trust us - if you haven't already jumped on the sexy selfie train, it's time to get on board.

Choo choo!

Tip 1: Take a look around
Toys and laundry are not sexy. Open pizza box and crumpled napkins? Not sexy. Pretty sheets, a wine glass? Yes, those work.

Tip 2: Speaking of wine glasses...
Go ahead and fill that one up. Yes, I know that drinking wine is my answer to pretty much every question. But that's because it always works! Especially when you need to relax & put yourself in a comfortable, laissez-faire frame of mind. Enjoy the process - which also includes anything else that makes you feel sexy. Red lipstick, lingerie, your man's shirt, a song, a fantasy, you get it.

Tip 3: Lighting is important
Mood lighting during the sexy selfie session is a little different. Try and shoot in the daytime/early evening. Natural light works best. Steer clear of harsh yellow or floursecent overhead lighting. Not even a filter can save you there.

Tip 4: And speaking of filters....
Oh, you're absolutely gonna want to filter that shit...sexy selfies are pretty much the reason why filters were invented. Make yourself a little tanner, a little glossier, a little fuzzier. You're still you, only more so.

Tip 5: Use your assets
Got sexy bee-stung lips? Rock that red lipstick, open your mouth and sigh. Amazing cleavage? Shoot high & capture your lacy bra and a glimpse of a thong. Great ass? Mirrors are your friend for capturing that booty. Arch your back a bit & let it pop. You could also show off that cleavage at the same time if you're so inclined.  Legs for days? Pull on those thigh highs, lay on your back & kick your legs up to show them off. A great option for a day that you feel sexy, but you don't feel like primping? On your back, shoot down to capture your pretties or sheerest undies. And when all else fails, shoot from above. Very helpful in slimming certain areas and highlighting others. It's a process though, take your time, enjoy your wine, you'll find your best angles.  

Tip 6: Less is more
Show your face or show your body. Do not show both. Sadly, you just never know, and having some plausible deniability is in your best interest.

Tip 7: I woke up like this
Another fun, not as risque, but still certainly very sexy option is the "I just woke up, I'm laying in bed & I'm thinking of you" shot. You don't need to show off your goodies if you don't want to - a tank top and shortie shorts go along way here. Plus you've got the early morning lighting on your side. Another option is to go topless, but go for the headshot so he/she can see your cute bedhead hair, maybe a smudge of last night's red lipstick and your bare shoulders. "Wish you were here."

Tip 8: Don't be so hard on yourself!
You are gorgeous. Whomever is on the receiving end of that sext is going be beyond thrilled to see what you've got for them. Own your curves, rock your sexiness, you are a freaking goddess.

And one final tip for the guys out there....for the love of all things sexy, do not send us a dick pic. Never. No, not ever. Like ever.

Did I miss anything? I'm always ready to up my sexy selfie game! 

The Complaint Project - Weeks 2 & 3

I decided to combine Week 2 and Week 3 of the Complaint Project into one post because, honestly, not that much really changed at first. I felt like I needed more quantifiable data (wow, I really do work for Microsoft now) before I could make any observations insightful enough to warrant a post. Three weeks have now passed since the beginning of this project, and while I still cannot guarantee any shrewd nuggets of wisdom, I'll give it a go.

I have learned that I complain about things relating to transportation a lot. Like A LOT a lot. Traffic, parking, other drivers, construction, the number 5 to downtown, the Uber app, Uber drivers, the 520 bridge, how badly the rain affects the driving of Seattleites, and parking yet again. The Complaint Project has really made me zero in on exactly *how much* energy I am using griping about transportation. And the thing is - these are not things I can control. I can complain and whine and bitch, but that is accomplishing exactly nothing. So instead, I'm just trying to enjoy the downtime I have in the car to listen to music & think. I started bringing my book on the bus which makes the time fly. And if I take the bus, I don't have to worry (or complain about) parking. As far as Uber goes, well, they still frustrate me. But I am thankful I have them as an option for a safe ride home.

I have learned to believe in the power of positive thinking. No, really. It's been actually quite incredible how quickly the Complaint Project turned my sometimes-rotten attitude at work (my previous manager calls it "Grumpy Emily") into something else entirely. Dare I say it? Have I become an optimist? By refusing to give in to the Grumpy Emily (I picture her wearing a threadbare Santa hat, Grinch-style) sitting on my shoulder, it's been a lot easier to put a brightside spin on things. No, not everything at work is always going to go the way I'd like it to go. Sometimes I am going to be met with roadblocks and unforseen challenges. Sometimes I am going to be intimidated. Sometimes I am going to feel frustrated. Sometimes it's going to be hard to assume positive intent. But instead of complaining both internally & to everyone who will listen to me about things which, again, I cannot control, I have taken my own advice (shocking!) and put a positive on those things. I may be challenged by a particular coworker or struggle at work, but I am really amazed by how much I learn every day. We don't necessarily have the same communication styles, but I know that we both have the good of the project and the company at heart. I have become, oddly, sunny. I think folks are getting worried....or possibly wondering if I have a secret.

And finally, I have learned that dropping the complaints about things that I *can* control was actually not so tough after all. You know, the "I'm tired"s, the "I'm stressed"s, the "I'm so busy"s. After acknowledging how often these complaints came out of my mouth and then seeing how often they come out of other's mouths, I realized how much they are eating into the simple joys of each day. So I stopped. Because seriously, we're all busy, tried, and stressed. Instead of sighing and replying, "I'm so busy" when someone asks you how you are, try smiling & saying, "I'm amazing!". I swear, your whole morning will improve. Because seriously, complaining about stress is, like, so 2005.

As you can see, the first 3 weeks of the Complaint Project have put me on track to becoming that person that adds "#grateful" to all of their Instagram posts. I'm all Zen and shit. Who knew I had it in me?

Stay tuned for one final week of the Complaint Project because I've got one last hurdle to jump, one last hill to traverse. I will attempt to cross through the perilous & looming territory of the Throes of Hell Threes complaint-free and without waking the Beast named Boo. Miles to go before I sleep....

In This Room

I will sit in the same room as you.

Sometimes, there just aren't any words. Sometimes, it isn't about having answers or solutions. Sometimes, conversations are unnecessary. Sometimes, being there for each other is just that, being there. Sometimes, we do not have to talk. But we can sit in the same room.

In that room, we can find strength. We are not alone in our sorrow or our grief or our hurt. We have each other to help bear the weight. We do not need to say it because we already know. In that room, we are free to experience emotion. We do not apologize for our tears. We do not apologize for our anger. In that room, we are whoever we need to be, and we do whatever we need to do. In that room, there are no guidelines, no rights and wrongs, no censorship of our emotions. In that room, there is only us and complete acceptance.

There is no time limit on how long we can sit in this room. We can talk or not talk. Yell or not yell. Cry or not cry. We can welcome distractions or face it head-on or pretend like everything is the same as before outside of this room. We do not have to leave until you are ready. I will not leave until you are ready.

You didn't leave until I was ready.

When there was nothing anyone could say to me to make it better, you sat in the same room as me. We were alternately silent and loud. We were sad and angry and peaceful and optimistic all at once. You held my hand as I felt all of these things. You were there with me in the same room, and you did not leave. When we finally departed, I still wasn't better. I was not healed, but I knew I was not alone.

I would do anything to make it better for you. I know I can't. But I can sit in the same room as you.

The Complaint Project - Week 1

And we're off!

I spent much of this first week of the Complaint Project trying to tune in & recognize when I was complaining & what I was complaining about. What did I discover? I complain A LOT. But much of that complaining was actually done in my head. I internalize a lot of it and only express my irritation through such passive aggressive moves as eye-rolling and exasperated inflections of my voice.

What else did I discover? Toddlers incite A LOT of frustration. Not complaining while coexisting with a 3-year old is damn near impossible. This is gonna be a lot more work than I originally thought.

And so, like in every other area of my obsessive Type A life, I made a list. Here are some of the things that I whined about during Week 1.

1. So much boring organizational work 
2. People on calls that talk and talk and talk and talk and talk
3. The grocery store automatic cashier
4. People that refuse to stop saying "Adorbs" and "Totes" (via Twitter)
5. My stupid cat throwing up all of the time
6. My stupid cat meowing all of the time
7. I'm tired, I couldn't sleep, I am anxious, I am stressed, I am worried
8. Boo whining (ironic, I know)
9. Tim being late to pick me up
10. Tim being early to pick me up
11. Boo refusing to get dressed. Boo refusing to wear clothes that are not 4T. Boo refusing to put his undies on. Boo refusing to answer me. Boo refusing to go to bed. 
12. Anti-vaccination posts on Facebook
13. I feel sick from eating an entire bag of Starburst jellybeans
14. My Uber driver not going the way I suggested
15. I'm hurt. I'm sick. I'm can't get rid of this bronchitis cough
16. Twitter spoiled the Walking Dead finale

And the list goes on....and on....and on...

Aside from assessing all of my complaints this week, I also tried to remember to look for the bright side of things. For example:

1. I have so much boring organizational work to do....but I am very lucky to have such a great job.
2. The grocery store automatic cashier is so irritating....but it was a small price to pay to have wine to drink tonight.
3. Tim is late picking me up....but overall, he's a pretty damn good husband. 
4. Boo is incredibly frustrating and annoying....but it's so amazing when he hugs me & tells me he loves me unprompted. 
5. My Uber driver did not go the way I suggested....but at least I will not get a DUI tonight.

Has anything changed so far? Not really. But I do feel more self-aware when it comes to how my complaining affects my mood. I have also taken note of how many Starburst jellybeans are too many Starburst jellybeans. And finally, I've noticed how often and easily strangers or acquaintances on social media can put a black rain cloud over my day. The little things add up.